i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
