I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
