did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
