6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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