i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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