My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
