When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
