i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
