Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
