Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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