You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
