they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
