By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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