i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
