The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
