i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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