Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My ass is underappreciated
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
