It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
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It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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