My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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