better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
