They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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