the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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