Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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