I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
