Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
