P.S. I can't hear my feet
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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