and you said cock pushups were impossible
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
