I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
