Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
