I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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