Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
