how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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