1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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