Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
