I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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