I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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