a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
