Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
