I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
