i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
