we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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