I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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