I am spending my child support on dildos
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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