I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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