Your face is a jimmy john
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Randomize
