I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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