your parents love me but you hate me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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