my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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