There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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