If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
