You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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