some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
