Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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