Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
