I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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