So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
