she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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