I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
