My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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