my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
